[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
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I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
just having fun
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
podcasts
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
This 4th of July, please remember…
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.