Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
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when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO