forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
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What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Risking my life for fun.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.