My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
You Might Also Like
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Cats are still liquid.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.