Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
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“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
This will never not be funny to me.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?