Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
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Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
If you know, you know
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Europe. Made in Germany.