You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
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I know karate and tons of other words.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Have a lovely day 😊