One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
You Might Also Like
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
2022 be like
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible