[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
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I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it