Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
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wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I saw nothing
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
🙂🐾
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.