STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
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Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I’ll be mad as hell!
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..