Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
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Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.