It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
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Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I’m giving up for Lent.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
the Monday after daylight savings
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.