Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
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Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?