Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
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me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.