A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
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i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.