My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
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mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Always 🥴
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.