If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
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“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Damn he played himself
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.