me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
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My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend