waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
You Might Also Like
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush