Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
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If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Donkey Kong sommelier
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.