Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
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I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
<- sleeps well with others
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.