Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
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[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves