*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
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The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
That’s a good costume, I hope.