The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
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My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
thanks auntie mary
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.