Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
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Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
j o i m p
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy