I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
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me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?