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I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?