[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
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*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
How to woo a woman
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
#DesignFail
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I was up all night reading about insomnia