[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
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My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Speak now or ever hold your peace