Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
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I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
You know…for fall…
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.