The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
You Might Also Like
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
describing stardew valley
j o i m p
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment