*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
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I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.