“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
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i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?