you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
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In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.