You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
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Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
classic mixup
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.