Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
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waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.