True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
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This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
three things we don’t talk about
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.