Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
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The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.