For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
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Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?