The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
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If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.