Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
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Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
technically true but not a great slogan
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
uncle dave has been through hell
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35