Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
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If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Finally, a door that understands me
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy