Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
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1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
this is 10/10 content no notes
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.