If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
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When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
How times have changed.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.