I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
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HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Blew my mind.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours