Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
You Might Also Like
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*