The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Lmao
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.