Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
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jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?