[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
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[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”